So, I was going to do a TLJ of ‘Jurassic World’, because that would be an entirely worthwhile experience (“We clocked the T-Rex at 32mph … which, as chance would have it, is slightly slower than a woman in heels!”) but it isn’t on Netflix and I’m not paying for the experience on Amazon.

So it will have to wait.

Instead, by request, I give you ‘Lord of the Rings : The Two Towers’.

Let’s get this show on the road!

I hope Cate Blanchett explains how all the important things had been lost and/or forgotten again. That would be a helpful reminder … No? Ok.

That … that’s one hell of an echo to reach from Moria to … the sky …

Ah, the Balrog … still got wings … still not flying …

That was some catch! He might be a conjurer of cheap tricks, but Gandalf has a promising future in Cricket!

Old people : surprisingly flame retardant!

Old people : also surprisingly impact resistant!

So Frodo and Sam tied a rope to a rock and started climbing down a hole when they couldn’t see the bottom and had no idea how deep it was or whether said rope would reach?

Priorities Sam! Jeez! “Now that the world is overthrown by the dark lord and we are all in chains, tell us Sam, how did Frodo die?” … “He fell trying to catch my box herbs.”

You’re worried somebody will follow you down? I’m pretty sure nobody else is daft enough to try climbing down a hole they can’t see the bottom of …

The knot came untied at exactly that moment? Very convenient …

Why can’t you get to Mordor? It has the largest landmark for miles in any direction. Head toward it!

Legolas said you only needed one bite of Lembas bread! Not a quarter of a loaf at a time!

How the hell are you going in circles?! There is a fucking volcano right there! What is this, the Blair Witch Project?!

So Gollum is also Spider-Man?

And a pro-wrestler. Give them the chair Gollum!

You’re going to cut his throat Frodo? Not holding the sword like that you won’t …

Yes Frodo, you should definitely release the guy who was trying to kill you literally three minutes ago.

Late? How the fuck are the orcs late? Saruman sent them out to “Find the halflings” not “Find the halflings, and you best do it within a week, or so help me!” You shouldn’t mess with Saruman’s calendar I guess. 10:00am Contemplate evil. 11:00am fondle magic ball. 12:30pm Lunch with Grima. 01:00pm Torment captured hobbits.

It was just an act? Why was Merry acting sick?

LL Cool Strider : Rock Whisperer

So they have been running for three days and nights without eating, drinking or sleeping and they aren’t dead … uh huh.

I found a brooch! They are alive! Natural conclusion.

“What do your elf eyes see?” … “I don’t know, bellend, what did your human ears hear?!”

“They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard! Where the orcs came from! Where Saruman lives!” … No shit, Sherlock!

Ok, the Isengard orcs are really industrious, like they are putting the dwarfs to shame …

So when they said ‘Sauron’s fortress is rebuilt’ they really did mean fortress. It’s massive. And nobody thought the check on that. Good job.

Why is there an orc inspector? What is he inspecting them for? Not being ugly as fuck?

“There is not enough fuel, lord!” … “Well there is always all that fuel, there, in plain sight, that we are looking directly at.” … “You are a genius, lord!”

“The Rohirrim took your lands, drove you into the hills! Vote leave!”


Lads … where are all the hill women?

How does Eomer know that the orcs aren’t from Mordeor? How does he know what the white hand symbol means?

So out of all the dead warriors, the King’s son isn’t quite dead? How tremendously convenient!

Your cousin is gravely wounded Eowyn, why are you looking at his dick?!

Saruman has ever been a friend and ally? Based on what compelling evidence?

Seriously though, how does Eomer know that’s what the white hand means? Did he drive around with it on the side of a bus?

That thug just punched Eomer in the armour …

Now how long have they been running without food, water or sleep? Are we sure they’re not just completely insane now and chasing phantoms of their own starved, sleep deprived minds?

Keep breathing? You don’t need food, water or sleep, I’m surprised you need air!

So the forest notices some orcs chopping at a few branches, but not the mass tree murder going on over by Isengard?

Why can’t you have some meat? I’m guessing it’s because you aren’t carrying any meat, since you only just noticed you are carrying two hobbits …

Do they give good sport? Are the orcs talking about bumming hobbits?


They chopped the head off that orc, but now they’re eating a different one …

Oh shit! We totally failed to hear thirty horsemen approaching at full gallop!

So two lines of horsemen charge toward each other with orcs in the middle, in the dark … I question the tactical wisdom of this strategy.

Legolas : Sun Whisperer

The Rohirrim really do have stealth horses! LL Cool Strider can hear orcs a mile away through a rock, but fails to notice thirty horsemen until they are almost on top of them.

Also, they were at the top of a ridge, silhouetted against the sky, how did the riders not see them?!

So they have them completely surrounded by horses but are too far away to stab them with their spears. What’s the next step of this plan?

What business do they have in the Riddermark? Do you have the same job as Brie Gate Guy?

You would cut off his head if he wasn’t so short? Not only are we continuing the heightist theme of the first film, Eomer is apparently paralyzed from the waist down.

Don’t raise your spears to throw! You’re sitting in a circle dumbasses!

His job really is the same as Brie Gate Guy! “Tell me your business!” … “No, but we’re friends.” … “Ok then!”

They still haven’t told Eomer their names …

The wizard is cunning. He walk here and there they say, hooded and cloaked. Like a wizard. So cunning.

“We are no spies.” … “Ok! Good enough for me!”

Thatnks for that patronising description of a hobbit, I wouldn’t have had a fucking clue otherwise!

Oh shit! That massive plume of smoke has been there this whole time?! How did your elf eyes not see that Legolas?!

Also … why were the horsemen riding back toward the burning orcs? Did one of them forget something?

Dead? Yes Gimli, he said ‘Slaughtered during the night’ that generally means dead.

“Thanks random strangers who definitely aren’t spies and still haven’t introduced yourselves! Here are some horses! Also … why can’t big dogs look up?”

You just said you left none alive, why would you then tell them to look for them you sick bastard?!

That … that was a pretty intense fire to burn that many orc bodies in one night. Fear the accelerant of Rohan!


Riders of Napalm

I found a burned belt. They are definitely dead. LL Cool Strider : Not a Belt Whisperer.

LL Cool Strider : Grass Whisperer

The hobbits didn’t get hit by any horses or orcs! How unbelievably convenient!

Wait wait … so the orc pulled the belt off and dropped it on the ground, but while loads of weapons, shields and crap are still scattered all over the ground, some diligent Rohirrim decided to pick up just the belt and throw it on the fire?

“Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?!” Oh, a massive battle between orcs and horsemen maybe? Do pay attention Gimli, LL Cool Strider just explained it.

“Did we lose him?” No, you didn’t, because you are laying in plain sight.

Yes, Treebeard, you are a tree. It’s even in your name.

A shepherd of the forest? How much herding do trees require?

He’s taking them to the White Wizard? The KKK are known for their presence in Middle Earth and there are conspicuously few people of colour around …

So Gollum knows how to follow landmarks, but hobbits don’t …

“He’s lead us into a swamp!” And I have only noticed because I just stepped in the water and not because of the enormous amount of swamp in front of me …

When did Gollum have time to find the path through miles of trackless swamp?

Frodo is wandering off again. You have one job Sam!

I see the swamps share the same quality as the rivers of Middle Earth and the beaches of Westeros.

Er … Gollum, he didn’t follow any lights, he just looked in the water and fell in?

“Gandalf said your life was a sad story.” He is sitting in a swamp in his pants, eating a leech. His life is a sad story.

Oh no! Nazgul! They feel the presence of the ring and are drawn to its power alway … oh no… never mind, it has wandered off again.

If they are tracking the orc blood through the forest, shouldn’t they find the crushed orc?

“This forest is very old!” Thank fuck for elf eyes …

So … why did the elves decide to teach the trees to talk?

“I fell down a hole, into a lake and landed on top of a mountain.” Gandalf went to Middle Australia.

So you summoned lightning then, but not at any other time when that would have been useful! Why Gandalf?! WHY?

“I fell down a hole, into a lake, onto a mountain, called the lightning, saw stars and the universe and then woke up naked.” I’m convinced. Or did Gandalf just get high? He smoked his ruin on the mountain …

So the ents are going to wake up because Pippin shouted at one while falling off its head, and not because of the gratuitous forest murder going on?

Where did they get their horses back from? They are in a completely different place now!

The name of the horse is clearly ironic …

Treebeard has business in the forest? What business? Lemonade stand?

How does Gandalf know what’s going on in Rohan and everywhere else, but not know that Sam went with Frodo?

A whole army of Easterlings. Surprisingly stealthy.

Sam fell all the way down the scree slope without getting injured? How tremendously convenient!!!

Why are the soldiers wearing eye makeup?


“How do I look?” … “Gorgeous, darling!”

How did the cloak completely change size?

Shameless smoking promotion again, drug addicted hobbits.

Why does Middle Earth measure in feet and inches?

So the murder tree is triggered by hobbits tripping over them but not by orcs with axes …

“We lost the Ent Wives!” … “How could you lose them? They’re not a set of car keys. It’s It’s not like they’re incon-fucking-spicuos now, are they?!”


In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again?

Why does taking control of Theoden’s mind also make him gnarly?

So Grima is a creepy sex pest. Got it.

The flag chooses to symbolically fall just as they are riding up? What are the odds?!

So, why is everybody doing what Grima says when they clearly don’t agree and the King is quite obviously fucked up?

Gandalf is wearing plimsolls …

Gandalf also just walked most of the length of the hall while Grima was watching and it wasn’t until he was right in front of him that he noticed he still had his staff …

Seriously, thug guys, you only outnumber them two to one, these were outnumbered thirty to one by armoured orcs and they were fine. You have no chance.

If Saruman can cast a spell to take over minds, why hasn’t he done that to LL Cool Strider or … anybody else?

Those flowers only grow on the tombs? Necromantic flowers …

Why did the older kid collapse but the young girl is fine?

Also, how long did it take them to ride to Edoras?! The LL Cool Crew have run three time around Rohan in the time it has taken them to make that journey!

Eomer has 2000 men? Where were the rest of them hiding, and why hasn’t he come back with them to sort Grima out?!

“I have no time!” Gandalf, your journey time appears to be a very elastic thing, so I wouldn’t worry too much …

Why have they been keeping a mad horse in the stable? How did they get him in there to begin with?!

LL Cool Strider : Horse Whisperer.

Grima has Isengard as a quick travel point.

Oh, we’re hurrying to evacuate, I’ll just take a moment to play with this sword, no rush.

Wait! A woman with a sword, who knows how to fight?! Clearly pushing the SJW feminist agenda!

Thanks, Grima Exposition!

Yeah Sam, stop bullying the guy who tried to kill us the other day! Jeez!

How would Sam know that Frodo barely sleeps unless he has also barely been sleeping?

Good job Gollum chose one of the times that Frodo was barely sleeping in to have a loud argument with himself and not wake them up …


Keep it down, you fuck!

Frodo is wandering off again! SAM, YOU HAVE ONE JOB!

Who are they? They are from the east, so villains, obviously.

“We are on a secret mission!” Well, not any more, nice one Frodo!

Gimli confirming the heightist discrimination.

“Her mother succumbed to grief.” Was … was her mother Padme Amidala?!

How did Eowyn know that a woman gave LL Cool Strider the jewel?

Still not explaining why the elves are going into the west. Is it the relaxed gun laws? It’s the relaxed gun laws isn’t it, so they can defend themselves from the tyranny of Mordor …

Wait … why isn’t everybody moving to the undying lands? They sound way better!

That’s not a scouts job!

So why didn’t the dead Warg crush him?

Why would you sniff a dead goblin?!

So … why didn’t two dead Wargs and a goblin crush him?!

Why did the Warg run off the cliff? Animals have better instincts than that …

How does that dying goblin know who they are talking about?!

So their mum escaped on foot, but went to Helm’s Deep rather than to Edoras where she told the children to go …

When did LL Cool Strider become a lord?

Why does Helm’s Deep have an exhaust port? That hole does not need to be person-sized …

“But my lord there is no such army!” … “Apart from this army of ten thousand orcs that has been mustering outside the building you are living in, apparently without you noticing.” … “Oh THAT army!”

So Treebeard even knows about Saruman’s shenanigans, but just doesn’t care?

LL Cool Strider missed all the rocks and didn’t drown! How stunningly, awesomely convenient!!

The anger-horse that they turned loose just happened to find him in the middle of nowhere? How staggeringly, stunningly, wondorously convenient!

Elrond, maybe there would be more hope if you weren’t all fucking off? Just a thought …

Also Elrond, don’t you know that grief kills?

If he will have dominion over all life on Earth … that includes you …

How do Faramir’s guys know that Theoden has gone to Helm’s Deep? That only happened about ten minutes ago!

“My men say you are orc spies.” Yes Faramir, because they look just like orcs …

So the ring is known as ‘Isildur’s Bane’? But I thought that had been forgotten? Also, why would you want something called Isildur’s Bane?

“Oh, hey Frodo, where have you and Sam been? I thought you got kidnapped by dudes?” … “Nowhere! But you should come with me now!” … “Ok!”

Yes, you should definitely take Isildur’s Bane to Gondor … would it help if it was called the ‘Fuck-Blammo Judas Ring’? Would that be more obvious?

LL Cool Strider just happened to come back via the same route that the orcs were taking?! How amazingly … you know what? EHRMAGHERD! CEHRNVERNERNT!

How did he have time to count the whole army?

“There armour thick, and their shields broad!” … “Oh yeah, but three of us killed about a hundred, no bother … ”

“Where was Gondor when … ” … “Hey! That shit happened about ten minutes ago! Stop moaning!”

“An Ent Moot is a gathering!” … “A gathering of what?” … “What do you think, Master Meriadoc you fucking chode?”

Why does the armoury have enough helmets for everybody but not enough armour?

How did the elves get there ahead of the orcs?

I find the dwarf comedy in this pre-battle drama highly misplaced.

Those were some piss-poor arrow shots …

So their armour isn’t that thick then, is arrows go straight through …

Why aren’t the ladder orcs wearing armour?



Why did they need to agree that the hobbits weren’t orcs? Treebeard already knew …

Why did they need the Olympic orc? There were two orcs right outside the exhaust port carrying flaming torches? And why does he take more than one arrow to kill??

Good job LL Cool Strider woke up at exactly that time! EHRMAGHERD! CEHRNVERNERNT! DGGERGEGRWEGT!!!!!

Why … why did that elf just run onto a spear?

Why was there a ladder inside the walls? And now it’s gone!

I find this dwarf tossing comedy to be very misplaced in the middle of this dramatic battle.

So Gimli and LL Cool Strider can hold back hundreds of orcs but the rest of the fighters are singularly incapable?

Good job the orcs don’t have any more crossbows to shoot them with. One might say that it’s vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy conveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenient!!!!!

Why didn’t that grapple have a chain attached?

“Oh shit! The orcs have been cutting down the forest! How did I not notice this before?!”

“A wizard should know better!” The wizard that you already said was up to no good?

How did all the ents suddenly get there all at once?

Why would this be the last march of the ents? Are you expecting to lose, or do you just somehow know there will be no more wars after this one?

Good job there isn’t a huge, open space in the approach to Isengard, or Saruman might see you coming … waiiiit …

How does Sam know what happened to Boromir? He wasn’t there when he died and neither was Frodo …

So you’re just going to leave the guy with the one ring there unguarded Faramir? Oh … you are …

There has been a way out into the mountains this whole time, but you only decide to mention this now? Good job!

You said the fifth day Gandalf! It has only been one night!

Why would this be the last time the horn sounded? What’s the sudden obsession with everything being the last?

Where were they keeping all those horses?

The horses hooves are going through the orcs …

Why did the orcs lift their spears when the light was in their eyes? They could just … close their eyes?

Despite the vast, open ground between the woods and Isengard I am completely surprised by these trees!

Why are you dicking about on the balcony Saruman? Why not … oh I don’t know … cast a lightning bolt, like you did the other day??

Frodo is wandering off again!! SAM! FUCK ME! YOU HAVE ONE JOB!

Faramir looks worried that the guy with the one ring he left unguarded is about to get chomped by a Nazgul. Yeah … I’d look worried too. Didn’t think that through did you?

You waited long enough to chase him there Sam … jeez …

“Aha! The one ring that I feel the presence of at all times and are drawn to its power is within my grasp! No! You shot Mr. Bitey with an arrow! I’m off!”

Saruman, changing his strategy from ‘Dithering on the balcony’ to ‘Going indoors’. Masterful.

“You know the laws of the country, the laws of your father!” So there is actually a law about delivering the one ring to Denethor? The Fuck-blammo Judas Ring has been so not forgotten by the people of Gondor that there is ring-related legislation. YOU LIED TO ME CATE!

If the forest has surrounded Helm’s Deep, how did Gandalf, Eomer and 2000 riders get there? “They say the forest is dangerous … ” … “It isn’t.” … “Well ok then! Is the milk in cereal a beverage, a broth or a sauce?”

How do dwarfs know what a nervous system is? And how it works?


My cousin Balin was also a renowned Neurosurgeon!

Why does Saruman have a giant stash of food, including a pre-roasted chicken, and a stash of weed that he has already expressed his disdain for?

More shameless smoking and drug use …

Samwise the Brave? Perhaps Samwise the Inattentive ….


“Where are you Mr. Frodo?!”



Posted: February 4, 2018 in TLJ Movie Commentaries

Continuing the trend of TLJ-style commentaries, this week I decided to take a look at something that is, perhaps … not so good.

Conan, the ill-fated reboot that tried to take on the Arnie original but, even without the rose tint of nostalgia is just basically … dumb. There is a lot that can be said for it in terms of style. It’s just that it seems to have been written by a gang of finger-painting gibbons.

That said, there is always something to be gained from viewing through the lens of TLJ criticism. So, without further gilding of the lily, it’s time to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the people! (Not of the women, because that would represent the bullshit SJW feminist agenda!)

Morgan Freeman, tell me how it is!

Wait, wait … then came the dark kingdom of Asheran? Where from? Folks should probably have been paying more attention tot he rise of necromantic kingdoms. Or did it spring, fully formed from the ground?

Their magic only works on half-naked daughters … because of course it does …

Why could only the barbarian tribes resist Asheran? What was everybody else doing?

Dudes! Why the fuck are you keeping the evil mask? It’s only made of bone, smash that shit to bits and grind it down!

Wow … if that soldier had telegraphed his attack any more, people would be reading it and commenting on its Conservative leanings! Still, our Ron is getting on a bit, need to give him a chance.

Yay! The joy of childbirth has completely eclipsed the agony of the terrible, eviscerating wound!

Steady on Ron, the baby isn’t that heavy! And why are you waving your newborn son around on a battlefield!? Dude!

Oh … so they won that fight then. Who were they fighting anyway?

Ah, the old ‘Running around a hill with an egg in your mouth ‘ trial. The traditional way to test the capability of a warrior.

So what I am getting from this is that the barbarians value cheating?

Why are those guys only wearing pants in the snow?!

Right, I don’t know who those guys were, but they were possibly the shittiest warriors … ever. They got utterly murdered by an unarmed child they outnumbered four to one. I can only assume they never trained by running around a hill with an egg in their mouth.

Wait … what did the boy cut their heads off with?! None of them had blades!

Seriously … why do warriors always make such a big, serious deal out of ‘understanding the blade’? It’s a sword … the pointy end goes in the bad people! Its simplicity is one of its greatest virtues!

Oh no barbarians! Looks like there might be some vaguely competent enemies coming!

Ah, so the pants warriors belonged to Stephen Lang! I’m guessing they are his most pointless troops?


Get them my pants warriors!

Wow … the kid didn’t get hit by a single arrow … how tremendously convenient!

Wait … none of the friendly troops got hit by the rain of arrows either! That’s very …. very convenient!

Oh no! Ron! I guess Conan’s arrow avoidance skill didn’t come from his father then!

So the barbarians aren’t that hard then, since they just got decked in about three minutes. The egg/hill training only a new development perhaps?

Oooh! These unique and special-looking individuals appear to be significant and mighty! Ah … one of them just got his nose chopped off by a child.

But they did make decking child-Conan look easy. I am now unsure whether they are insanely hard, or the pants warrior army are grossly incompetent …

The barbarians probably should have broken the mask more than that …

Why do you sound surprised that your daughter found the mask shard? You literally just said it was her special skill!

Wait a second … so the archer woman has one of her eyes covered up by her helmet? How is able to shoot anything with no depth perception?!

That mask went back together a bit easily! Good job they brought the Bostik!

Well Ron, looks like there is no danger of the tribes uniting, since they must all now be dead if that’s the last piece of the mask.

Yeeeahhhh! We’re cheering because … reasons!

Wow! That was a sharp chain, lacerating his hands like that!

When did they put manacles on the kid?!

Yeah! Fuck you sky! You tell that massive, heavenly bastard, Conan!

So his best mate is a black guy?! This is some SJW agenda inclusive bullshit right here!

Waitwaitwait … so the villain rampages across the land with an army and successfully slaughters every barbarian tribe, but nobody knows who he is?

That chain really was sharp! Those are some monster scars!

Good job the slavers are queuing up to receive an orderly beating of they might be able to make a fight of it!

Yeah! Liberating slaves! We are great! Would have been a terrible shame if one of those out of control boulders we pushed down the hill had crushed you all!

Ah, the slaves are mostly naked women wearing boob chains. Solid, practical clothing. Apart from the random ones that are entirely normal clothes … I sense some sort of cultural divide.

Yay! Let’s run off with these men we don’t know! That never ended badly for anyone!

Ok, there are definitely two different classes of people in this world – The Clothians and the Unpantsed …

Why did that guard randomly decide to grab Conan?! “Ah, a room of semi-naked women and harmless people. I will grab … that fucking huge guy!”

Heh. This is the army that couldn’t kill an unarmed child, there is no way they are going to be able to handle a shackled man.

Why didn’t the prison captain run away sooner? Why did he stand there watching the violence?? Why can the bosses room only be opened from the inside? What does he do when he leaves?!? Is there a guy in there the whole time? WHAT IF HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE TOILET? THIS IS POORLY PLANNED!

Wait … how did Conan get out of the shackles? He randomly got into them as a child … huh … So Conan suffers from occasional shackles …

Oooooh! He is a shadow lord! Wait … that means … nothing …

You believed he was a common bandit?! He had a massive, shitty army, a creepy witch daughter and came looking for a piece of magic bone mask! How fucking dense are you?!

Why is the forbidden forest forbidden?

Well, I’m glad Lord Nosejob was powerful and competent …

Yeah! Prisoners! I could have just given you the key, but instead you have to finger through this fat guy’s bowels! Aren’t I great?

A knight is a warrior you drug-addled fruit!

Surely in order to be pure of blood in any meaningful way, the viable sacrificial daughters would have to be the result of incest?

Oh, you have elephants carrying a boat through a forest! I’m sure that will be an important plot point later!

Conan The Barbarian 2011 ship

I’m glad his army finally found some clothes.

Wait … the bad guy is called Zim … and he is an invader … HAH! Hahahahahahahaha!

Invader Zim


It does seem like everybody on the planet knows who Invader Zim is. How has it taken you until now to figure this out, Conan?

“I will come with!” … “No, Pirate friend!” … “Why?” … “Reasons.”

It’s a boat, not a battering ram, you n00bs!

This army really can’t decide how competent it is!

How did Conan know the mask was Zim’s symbol? He only just worked out he is the villain!

Why are the monks shooting at the cavalry, but not the barbarian on the carriage roof threatening the woman they have been told to protect?

Ok, the army is back to being shit again, they can’t capture a pacifistic monk …

“You have no claim to her!” Neither do you, you chimp-faced flange!

By all means just sit there on your horse while that guy murders your soldiers …

You, woman, come here! I don’t know who you are, but I have arbitrarily decided you are important, because … reasons …

How can you test the blood now that your claws are covered in other-woman blood? You are contaminating your samples!!

What? None of them are pure? You only tried two and you mixed up the blood for the second one anyway! Competence really isn’t high on this agenda is it?!

Also … I see you can’t decide whether you want to be one of the Clothians or the Unpantsed.

What has the bloodline got to do with where the monks choose to live?

You’re drooling, Stephen …

So you haven’t killed him because you want to look him in the eyes when you kill him? How un-barbaric …

Ah! Invader Zim lives on the boat … although really it is his ship … teehee! That makes complete sense.

“Remo has never disappointed me.” How you have got this far without being disappointed in your army tells me that you have very low standards …

So the magic of Asheran specifically needs the pure blood of somebody from the Kingdom of Asheran in order to work. Specifically the blood of the daughter of an incestuous relationship. That’s some weirdly specific magic …

Good job that rock didn’t go all the way through the hull of the ship or he wouldn’t be able to use it as a ship later on when it becomes hugely relevant to the plot!

So the girl has a dagger and is only pretending to be tied up, and the huge, murderous barbarian who kidnapped her yesterday and tied her up to stop her from running away has his back to her …

People do a lot of standing and staring at obvious threats rather than doing something about it in this place …

Conan appears to enjoy stabbing Invader Zim’s right ear …

Wow! That is a wildly impractical weapon. Anybody that ever complained about Kylo Ren’s lightsaber needs to take a look at this massive pair of scissors. Here’s hoping he never has to run with it …

When you’re trying to kill somebody, you probably shouldn’t give them their sword back …

OH NO! THEY ARE ESCAPING BY SEA! IF ONLY I HAD SOME SORT OF WATER-GOING CRAFT WITH WHICH I MIGHT PURSUE THEM! … I … I don’t even … Why have you had your army carry a ship around if you’re not going to use it in a situation where you actually require a fucking ship?!

The monk is a Clothian, it’s a miracle!

That sun came up fast!

Ok, so now the bad guy army is getting beaten up by a pacifistic monk who has never held a sword before! Yay!

And that’s what happens when you can only see out of one eye. You miss, and then get killed by a spear.


I hope there is nothing to the left!

Why did he only send ten soldiers to attack the ship? Why did they only have a tiny boat? WHY DIDN’T THEY USE THEIR OWN SHIP TO ATTACK WITH?!

You had one job, pirate guy! ONE JOB! Look after the girl! Conan said “Keep her safe.” Knowing that Invader Zim needs her to complete his evil plan. And what do you do the moment he leaves the ship? Send her after him …

Two days out of the monastery and she is butchering people and banging barbarians in a caves. The Stockholm Syndrome works quickly on this one …

Why are you running off on your own?! You are the key to the villain conquering the world with necromantic villainy, at least get Conan to walk you back to the ship!

How did Semi-Clothian Witch Girl know exactly where she was?!

Wait … she left one of her claws in the forest, but she is still wearing all her claws?

“Elusive one”? You knew exactly where she was …

Why would anybody other then thieves ever got to a place called “The City of Thieves”? How does anything ever get done?

Ah … the Unpantsed hold power in Thief Town …

Ah yes. I have just the right big, rusty key for this lock.

You didn’t take that sword from him, you fibber, you picked it up off the floor after your dad chucked it away!

Hentai floor monster attack!

Why did the guards run IN to the room with the hentai floor monster?!

How did the thief’s cage get locked?! Is this like having occasional shackles?

So they have replaced the boat with a giant wheel? What is with these guys and toting massive, pointless constructions around?!

“They might have taken her to the skull mountain.” No fucking shit Sherlock!

I see no more locks around here, I’m off. How do you know there are no locks in the cave?

Wait … so how long did they spend just fannying about in the castle? Conan had time to ride all the way to Unpantsed Thief Town, pick yup his buddy, ride all the way back and fight the dungeon hentai floor monster before they decided to go and do the win ritual?!

Ok … the mask is a face hugger.


They gestate inside a living human host …

Why did they need to bring the wheel with them?

That was a poorly timed earthquake … very … convenient!

Oh, now she wants to escape and hide! Should have done that when you still had a nice, safe pirate ship!

She has become surprisingly good at fighting for somebody who didn’t do fighting until a few days ago …

Holy shit she falls down a lot! If you could not need rescuing for five minutes love, that would be grand!

That was a poorly constructed bridge. Property maintenance failure, the doom of too many villains.

Why must he leave? Reasons!

Well that was fun, by then, woman I abducted.

I am pretty sure, given what we have just watched, that he has understood how a sword works for awhile. Oh wait … now he’s holding it by the wrong end …


After that, I would have a troubled brow as well …

Stupid, fat hobbit!

Posted: January 22, 2018 in TLJ Movie Commentaries

So one of the things I promised I would do as an objective for the new year was to do more blog posts. As part of that determination, and because it amuses me to do so, I am also going to be carving up movies in what shall be known as ‘TLJ Style’ because the hyper-analysis of ‘The Last Jedi’ (as previously discussed) was absurd.

So, if we’re going to be that critical of one piece of sci-fi hokum, then it only seems fair that it should applied across the board.

Before I begin, I can’t help but feel that I should point out (again) that I don’t have any problem with constructive criticism of TLJ (indeed I have had some very good conversations around it) but that vast swathes of the criticism have not been constructive. Or sensible.

Or even vaguely reasonable.

It’s also worth bearing in mind it is way more fun to do this to films that I enjoy …

To that end, I give you :

The Lord of the Rings : The Fellowship of the Ring!

Hello Cate Blanchett, tell us all of the things!

They were all of them deceived? I have to be honest here, why are the elves, dwarfs and men accepting gifts from the “Dark Lord”? That’s not being deceived, that’s being fucking stupid.

A last alliance of men and elves? What have you got against dwarfs? Three minutes in and the film is already heightist.

Why is Sauron grabbing at Isildur with his HORRIBLY EXPOSED WEAKNESS hand instead of smooshing him with his mace? That’s like reversing the Deathstar into a proton torpedo …



So … losing the ring = instant Sauron death? Didn’t think that plan through …

“Some things were forgotten that should not have been” … So … they forgot about this massively important historical event that literally threatened the very existence of their world? WHY DIDN’T YOU WRITE THAT SHIT DOWN?! “Hey, remember that time the Dark Lord of evil nearly conquered and enslaved the entire world under a yoke of eternal darkness?” “No.” “Me either.”

So … why did the ring wait 500 years to be found?

How can there be rumours of the ring of power perceived if it had been forgotten?

So the ring, apparently having agency, abandoned Gollum, choosing that exact moment after 500 years of waiting but didn’t intend to found be a hobbit that just happened to be there at that exact moment? How extraordinarily convenient!

How is Gandalf late, the party hasn’t started?

I find this film’s shameless promotion of smoking offensive.

So Bilbo spends hours pouring over old maps when “He thinks you aren’t looking.” When you aren’t looking … for hours? What?!

Wait. If the ring can choose to be “lost” of its own free will, why has it been hanging out with Bilbo for years?

Why didn’t the other fireworks in the cart go off?

So Gandalf doesn’t think Bilbo living forever is a bit weird?

More smoking?! Fucking tobacco sponsorship much? It’s like one, long advert!

Why don’t the firework embers sent the tents alight?

So the ring’s intention was to be used as a party trick by a hobbit?

Gandalf isn’t a conjurer of cheap tricks? So far I have seen some fireworks, smoke shapes and a boomy voice. Those are pretty cheap tricks.

HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FRODO TO GET TO THE HOUSE?! Jeez … Bilbo got there, had a full-blown argument with Gandalf, collected his shit and left before he arrived!

Good job Gandalf has Gondor as a quick-travel point.

Shire! Baggins! SATNAV! Glad those comprehensive directions will lead them exactly to where they need to go.

Wait … wait … so the important things weren’t forgotten, they were in a library the whole time, but nobody gave a shit? Guys … you deserve this …

The Dark Lord’s super servants need to pull over for directions? LOLLLLL!

Wow … hobbits are really xenophobic! Dicks!

Gandalf, the not-conjurer-of-cheap-tricks needed to break in through the window …

How did Gandalf know the ring was cool enough to drop into his hand? That could have gone … badly …

The ring is awake now? But it must have been awake to abandon Gollum … you have already given it agency!

Hold on a second, how long was Gandalf gone?? Gondor isn’t exactly around the corner? And how does he know what Gollum said while he was being tortured? Like … the exact words?!

So Gandalf has a weaker will than a random hobbit? … ok …

The village is named after French cheese! The hobbits must hate that, the xenophobic dicks!

Gandalf just randomly exiles Sam from the Shire and Sam is fine with that?

Even more smoking! Why not just start playing the Hamlet cigars theme?!

How do Sam and Frodo know what the elves are up to?!

Good job Gandalf has Isengard as a quick-travel point.

Saruman makes a good point about Gandalf not noticing what the fuck was going on. But then I suppose everything was supposed to have been forgotten …

Disguised as riders in black? That’s not a disguise, that’s just what they are!! If the Nazgul wanted to be in disguise they should have gone with “They crossed the river Isen, disguised as a troupe of jugglers.”

Also … they reached the Shire before Gandalf even left … we just saw that … what?

Hey … Gandalf … this is a fight. If you’re a wizard and not, say, a conjurer of cheap tricks how about casting a FUCKING FIREBALL?!


I cast the spell “Fuck Saruman.” It is super effective.

What I am getting here, is that hobbits are bigoted, smoking, drug-abusing thieves. These are our heroes.

Wait … that wraith on horseback just appeared from behind the tree. Like … it didn’t transition from right to left … it was just there.

He only threw the pack about five feet away! How the hell is that a distraction?!

So hobbits can outrun horses?

What’s the point of having a gate keeper if he lets people in who don’t answer his questions? “What’s your name?” “Murderface Limbripper.” “And why do you want to come in after dark?” “NO REASON!” “Ok, no offense, it’s my job to ask questions after dark.”

Maybe I’m just misunderstanding his role. “Can we come in?” “Why can’t big dogs look up?” “Uh … what?” “No offense, it’s my job to ask questions after dark!”

I’ll give you ‘little folk’ go condescending fuck-munch! The heightism continues!

Do you remember Gandalf? Gandalf? GANDALF? The guy who literally looks like a wizard!

Who exactly calls him Strider? He’s given himself that name, hasn’t he. Like LL Cool J.

The ring fell perfectly onto his finger? VERY CONVENIENT!

That … was the shittest gate … ever …

“Is a Jaffa cake a biscuit, or a cake?” *SMASH* “No offense, it’s my job to arghfgfhgfh … ” *Trample*

So … the inn has multiple rooms (the innkeeper who can’t remember wizards said so) how did the Nazgul know which room to go to that had the pillow-hobbits in and not the ring anyway? That’s a whole … wraithy … clusterfuck right there.

Probably shouldn’t have taken rings from somebody called Sauron the Deceiver. Schoolboy error.

So they “Feel the presence of the ring, drawn to the power of the one.” Unless they are literally right on top of it and get distracted by a backpack five feet away …

Are they eating that deer raw?

Who let all these orcs into Isengard? Have they been living there all this time?

Ok … so Gandalf can’t do magic without his stick?

Huh. So … some days have to pass and then LL Cool Strider decides that they should have weapons?

Wait … so if Frodo has a fire panic because the wraiths (that feel the presence of the ring at all times and are drawn to it …) might see it, they really did eat that deer raw! Or does he just hate this fire in particular?

The wraiths just aren’t very good are they? Don’t even manage to kill a single hobbit and then get thrashed by a dude they outnumber five to one …

Those are some productive orcs! How long has Gandalf been on that roof?!

So he doesn’t need his stick to do magic moth-whispering? And that moth just happened to come along? Very convenient …

Why has Arwen been looking for them for two days? How did she know they were coming?

If they can’t catch a hobbit on foot, they have no chance of catching an elf on a horse …

Ah. Water. The natural enemy of the wraith.

Why did they ride directly away from the deluge rather than toward either one of the banks? Did Charlize Theron teach them the art of escape?



Why didn’t Saruman use his telekinetic smackdown to pull Gandalf off that eagle?

Has … has Elrond just been awkwardly standing there the whole time?

Remarkable resilience to its evil? He has only had it a week, Bilbo had it for sixty years!

Why are the elves leaving?! Nobody has explained this! Did those pointy-eared fuckers vote leave as well?

So Elrond just let him walk away with the artefact of ultimate evil? Stop bitching about the weakness of men you ineffectual pointy-eared chode!

Picks up sword. Immediately stabs self in finger. Intellectual titan right here.

The question that needs to be asked is : Why wasn’t anybody keeping an eye on what was going on in Mordor? Yeah … the bad guy has totally amassed a massive army and rebuilt has doom fortress … maybe you should have done something about that earlier?

Hah! Gandalf won’t utter the Black Speech of Mordor in a hobbit hole, but he’s totally fine to roll that out in his buddy Elrond’s house!

They keep talking about using the ring, like it will solve all their problems … presumably because their problems can all be solved by turning one person invisible. Their problem is wanting to look at elf girls in the shower, isn’t it?

Why did Gimli use his friend’s axe and not his own? DICK MOVE!

Why must one of them do it, Elrond?You have been there before and did fuck all about it then. Or is it because the elves voted leave, so now you don’t care about foreign aid any more?

Wow … dwarfs are almost as prejudice as hobbits … but then Middle Earth appears to have a heightist problem, so no real surprise.

Yeah! Let’s send a hobbit! He doesn’t know they way or how to fight. This is a great plan and I am excited to be a part of it!

It really wasn’t much of a secret meeting though, was it Elrond, particularly with Gandalf yelling in Black Speech …

“You shall be the Sausagefest of the Ring!”

It’s a sword, Elrond, why would he need a special power to wield it? The pointy end goes in the bad people.

Why hasn’t Gandalf used his quick-travel point to make the journey?

Why wouldn’t you go through the mine Gandalf? The weight of your reluctance feels like something you should share with the group?

That’s not what a cloud looks like, you prat! Get a grip!

Why are you surprised that the path south is being watched? Saruman seems to have his shit way more together than you …

Gandalf, shouting in the mountains. Presumably avalanches aren’t a thing in Middle Earth.

How did Saruman know they were taking the pass? Why didn’t he hit them with that lightning bolt? Why didn’t Gandalf use some magic to counter that? WHY DOESN’T HE USE SOME MAGIC TO KEEP THEM WARM? WHY DOESN’T HE DO ANY MAGIC AT ALL??


I am so not a conjurer of cheap tricks! Honest!

Gandalf and Saruman both know that there is a terrible monster in the mine but Gandalf doesn’t think that is relevant information to share during the decision-making process?

So the wizard and the dwarf can’t open the magic door to the dwarf mine. Excellent.

Why shouldn’t they disturb the water LL Cool Strider? That sounds like important information that should be shared with the group!

So you need an elvish word to get into a dwarf mine?

Why does the doom squid only want to eat Frodo?

If you want to go unnoticed Gandalf, why are you shining a bright light into the depths? That’s the sort of thing that gives you away …

How does Gandalf know Gollum’s story?

Really Gandalf? More light? It’s like you want to get a fuck load of goblins all over you!

Yes, we should definitely stop to read in this incredibly dangerous place …

Yeah Pippin! Don’t make so much noise, you will attract attention, not like a bright light will … jeez …

How did the goblins know that the noise was intruders in the mine and not something just randomly falling over? I mean … there is some precarious shit all over that place. Or do they fully mobilise for war every time somebody knocks over a chair?

Also … how did they get to the tomb in less than sixty seconds? They must have been hiding just around the corner!

Really? How shit are goblins and their armour that they can be defeated in battle by a pair of juvenile vegetable thieves and a gardener armed with a frying pan, none of whom have ever had a fight in their lives?

So the cave troll is strong enough to pulverise stone, but can’t crush a hobbit?

HOLD ON A SECOND! The light in the tomb was shining from the opposite side of the room when they entered, so which door did they exit from? There wasn’t a door at the back of the room or they could have escaped through it?


A fucking BALROG?! Why didn’t you say so earlier, Gandalf?! This seems like extremely relevant information right now!!

I find this bit of beard-related comedy extremely misplaced in the middle of the tense escape …

Good job those stairs broke that way! Very convenient!

How did the Balrog suddenly catch up? Does it have quick-travel points as well?

Oh … so now you can do magic? Really specific magic …


Hey, Gandalf, now that you can do magic, how about casting some sort of levitation? Oh, never mind … end as you began I suppose …

Lucky that goblins are even less accurate than Storm Troopers …

Good job they didn’t leave the mine at night … one might say that it is VERY CONVENIENT!

How did they not see the elves … they were six inches away?

It took LL Cool Strider all night to convince the elves to let the ultimate evil into the woods? So … what was his final, compelling argument? (Presumably – We need this story to continue …)

“Welcome! We are Lord and Lady Exposition!” Ugh … pacing …

So Galadriel’s mad rant didn’t wake up a single person? They’re only over there!


Keep it down love!

How are they being tracked when the orcs can’t enter the woods?

Legolas is ‘Woodland kin’? You guys realise you live in the woods, right?

Seriously though, how are the orcs tracking them? They entered a huge woodland and then left on boats, they could be anywhere …

I’m not liking the Nazi overtones of those statues …

So they just let Frodo wander alone in the woods after being told that they are being hunted and that one of the fellowship will betray them? YOU HAD ONE JOB!

So … falling over snaps you out of “Ring-fever”? Elrond should have just tripped Isildur … and somebody should tell Bilbo!

LL Cool Strider is outnumbered a hundred to one … but he’s fine. What are orcs for again? This is Saruman’s idea of perfect?

The orcs run fast enough to catch up with the fellowship from Isengard, going around the woods, but not fast enough to catch up with two fleeing hobbits? Smooth …

Why didn’t Legolas’ arrow go straight through the orc and hit LL Cool Strider like it did with those two orcs?

So orc armour isn’t tough enough to protect against stones thrown by hobbits …

Why haven’t the orcs just gone around Boromir? There is loads of them …

What broke the horn? It was fine all of two seconds ago …

Really? You’re stopping to shoot the guy at point-blank range rather than … oh I don’t know … using a sword?!

Why is that orc so much better than the rest?

And where was Sam this whole time?!

And finally … I see that rivers in Middle Earth are like beaches in Westeros … six feet out and it turns into The Abyss.


Ed Harris will save you Sam!

Thus ends the first TLJ movie analysis of 2018.

It’s a good job I love Lord of the Rings or I would be tempted to pick out every little thing …

I mean … that would just be awful …

As per the title of my previous post, it was almost inevitable that more Star Wars would follow. Now, a week on from the release of ‘The Last Jedi’ and with a broad plethora of reactions I can’t help but feel the need to pen another post.

Again … spoilers … yada yada … you know the drill.

First, a disclaimer :

Different people like different things, I get that, in fact I have written about it extensively in the past. I quite enjoy a good discussion with a differing opinion when that opinion can be robustly justified.

Expectation seems to have played a major role in what I would broadly consider ‘constructive criticism’. Telling somebody to “manage their expectations” is insulting at a basic level (as long as their expectations weren’t wildly outrageous …) and there is nothing wrong with hoping for something and then being unhappy when you don’t get it.

“I had hoped for [Story element X] and I am disappointed because it went with [Story element Y]”

Well ok, that’s cool and I can see why that would have been badass.

I have criticisms of my own, as I said in the previous post :

I think the use and disposal of Phasma as a character was a atrocious waste and it made me sad because there was so much potential there.

The look of the scene with Leia using the Force to save herself from the cruel vacuum of space. Objections to the idea that she can use the Force, when it is outright stated by Luke in RotJ, that she has the power, are absurd. I would have liked it to look less …. fairytale … and more desperate though.

Space isn’t a kind environment (but also not instantly fatal as the suddenly science obsessed crowd seem to think) …

So, in the interests of fairness, I have brutally deconstructed the ‘Empire Strikes Back’ in the same way that a large chunk of the internet fanbase have done to ‘The Last Jedi’ and based on the information that was available at the point of its release.

I love the original trilogy, so this is an ugly, brutal thing to do, using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut.

But I do these terrible things so you don’t have to … ok … let us begin …


I’m sorry …

Crawl text! Woo!

Wait … the Rebels evaded the entire Imperial fleet and built an entirely new base on Hoth? What have the Empire been doing that entire time, holding their dicks?

And Darth Vader has become obsessed with finding Luke Skywalker? How does he even know who Luke Skywalker is? He saw a kid that one time on the Deathstar and then shot at an X-wing pilot that he never saw? Whut?

Ok … on to Hoth … oooh, chilly …Wait, Luke just straight up gets ambushed by a giant monster? I thought the Force was with him? IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

And the Rebel equipment can’t tell the difference between asteroids and ships? How have they survived this long?

I find these comedy droids very annoying, cracking jokes about turning on the heater in the Princess’ room and everything melting.

Wait, what? Luke can do telekinesis now? How? What? How does he know how to do that?

Huh, so it’s a trackless, snowy wasteland, but Han just happens to go right to where he is. That’s very convenient.

So … it’s cold enough to freeze a woolly pack animal to death but not cold enough to freeze a human to death? 735 to 1 odds my ass you rolling dustbin!

Hey! Where did they get these new ships from? Why aren’t they just flying X-Wings? They were way better!

So … why can’t Han leave until the energy shield is up? Reasons?

Oh, I see, so for the second film they just decided to have an even bigger Star Destroyer ship in a pointless up the ante. I bet that was a fucking cheap design meeting.

Vader just knows that the Rebels are there by looking at a picture of a building on a TV? How? AND HOW DOES HE KNOW WHO LUKE IS?!

Huh. So the Rebels can generate shields powerful enough to “repulse any firepower”, including that of their mega ship? So … why don’t they use those shields on their ships?

What? Vader can choke people to death on completely different ships? So … why didn’t he just choke Luke out when he was chasing his ship during the trench run?

And they actually have to open the shield to let ships out? Ok, now I’m even more confused as to why they didn’t let Han go before it went up!

HAH! Lame! The ion cannon looks like a giant boob!

Oh! Luke has a co-pilot now! Cool!

He’s dead already? Why even introduce that character then?

So let me get this straight, the Empire builds their walkers with armour strong enough to stop blaster fire but didn’t figure out they could be tripped. And then that armour stops working once they fall over? And they can be destroyed by one grenade? Who the fuck designed these things?!

Why have the Rebels built their main generator miles away from the base, defensive planning fail!

HAH! So Luke is such a good pilot that he can fly the Deathstar trench full of turrets and fighters but gets shot down in the open sky?

If the ships and cannons can’t damage the walkers, why are those guys even in that trench?

Oh … bye then Hoth!

So … those three massive Star Destroyers didn’t see each other coming? Whut?

Erm, I think you will find that asteroid fields aren’t that dense or fast moving, there are hundreds of miles between each rock …

Why are all the Imperial pilots really terrible?


Shit! Didn’t see those rocks!

So … first Luke gets shot down in the open sky and then he crashes … wow …

Oh, comedy droid strikes again, getting spat out by the monster …

Why is Vader basically doing nothing during this film other than hanging out in his weird space egg?

Ok … look … Han Solo’s sexual harassment thing is getting a bit gross now, she is way younger than him.

A comedy muppet? Really? Is that what we have come to?!

Oh, so the Emperor is some wrinkly guy. Where was he in the first film? This has basically turned Vader into a punk. What a waste.

So … the muppet is the Jedi master? Wtf is this?

So, with an entire planet to aim for, Luke just happened to crash right next door to where the Jedi master lives? Very convenient …

Luke says he has “Learned so much”, where? From who? He had about ten minutes of training with Obi-wan before the old man died!

LOL! Bombs don’t fall down in space! Stupid bombers!

Why is there full gravity on that tiny asteroid? And an atmosphere? Fucking hell, do they even science?!

So the Princess can handle a firefight but is scared of bats … ok … sexism much?

The cave was a giant worm?! LOL! How does it live in space? That’s so fucking dumb!

So now these five bounty hunters are going to do what the whole Imperial fleet couldn’t do? Is that how shit the Empire is?

Why can’t any of the ships outside see the Falcon, I mean … it’s right there …

If the hyperdrive doesn’t work, how are they going to fly to Bespin? It must be … right there?

How did that guy know the Falcon would be in the garbage? And if he did, why didn’t he say anything before the Imperial ships left? They could have captured them right away!


We don’t need explanations, Bounty Hunter!

Wait, wait, wait … so … Luke left to go to Degobah when the Falcon was getting chased. All that has happened since then is that they have hidden in an asteroid, failed to fix the hyperdrive and then flown away from the Imperial fleet. So, what? Maybe a day? And Luke has now learned to use the Force to move shit around and see the future … Force training is easy!

“I have learned so much!” SINCE WHEN?! Yesterday?

Oh look! A token black guy! This is some fucking diversity quota SJW bullshit right here. This film clearly has some sort of progressive agenda! Fuck this political, leftist shit! Oh, and he just happens to run a place that can help them and it also just happens to be right where they were stranded? HOW VERY, VERY CONVENIENT!

It’s a small operation not under the jurisdiction of the Empire? The Empire has a jurisdiction? So why would it matter if you attract their attention or not? You are making this up Lando!

“They arrived right before you did!” HOW? How did the Empire, having just hyperspaced away, then turn around, hyperspace back AND arrive before the Falcon? And in what? Star Destroyers are pretty fucking obvious! And why didn’t the Bounty Hunter tell you where they were before they arrived at this place?!

What? How does Luke know where to go? All he saw was “A city in the clouds” did it come with specific coordinates as well so he knows which planet to go to?

Right! WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE REST OF THE REBELS? What is going on in the wider universe right now? Why are we only focusing on this?!

“No! Stop! I’m not ready to die!” Shut up C3P0 … you already died … knob.

Ok, I have no more interest in this series now that they have turned my favourite character into a brick. Fucking stupid call.

How gullible is Lando? Like he believed Vader would let a major Rebel leader stay in the city with him! I thought he was supposed to be smart?

Oh, so Luke just knows exactly which room to go to in an entire city that he has never visited before … ok …

Wait what? When did Luke learn how to fight with a sword? He was a farmer and had about TEN MINUTES training with Obi-wan in the first film! What? Did the muppet teach him when we weren’t looking?!

Why does the Bounty Hunter ship look like a vacuum cleaner? LOL!


It’s definitely a Dyson …

Why did that gas have any effect on Vader? He’s wearing a mask …

More of these droids fucks? So R2D2 can’t tell the difference between a power outlet and a computer terminal? Who programmed this dickhead?

Why the hell does C3P0 feel pain when he bangs his head?! HE’S A DROID!

Ok, this is just fucking ridiculous now … Luke is able to get a hit on Vader having picked up a sword for the first time last week? PLOT ARMOUR MUCH?!

HAHA! Vader’s helmet is blowing in the wind!

What’s with the gravity on Bespin? Why did Luke fall at a weird angle instead of straight down? And why was there a hatch in that tunnel exactly where he stopped sliding?

What? If Vader can sense him, why doesn’t he just go and get Luke off that antenna?

When exactly did R2 talk to the Bespin computer to find out about the hyperdrive? When he was opening the door? That’s convenient …

So … why didn’t they grab the Falcon with the tractor beam when it was right next to the Star Destroyer? I mean … they were right there! Does it have a fore arc? If it has why fly in front of the ship at all?!

Oh! That’s where the rest of the Rebels are! Where were you guys for this ENTIRE FILM?!

Ok … I’m done here …

I … I feel like I have mutilated myself a little bit. Going to need to have a bit of a lay down for awhile …

My point is, that if you’re going to apply this level of criticism to one film then it’s only fair that you do it to them all.

Even the most beloved ones.

I’m always interested to hear differing opinions.

Senseless, idiot nerd rage though?

Just … get in the fucking sea.

And if you’re reason for hating TLJ is ‘Because it clearly represents an agenda!’ Then I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your masculinity, sexuality, political belief or whatever is so fucking fragile that you feel threatened by a fun bit of science-fantasy hokum.

I don’t want you to get in the sea.

You’re just a fucking cunt.


Hey! Here’s an otter doing a dance just so that there are no hard feelings!

It is … inevitable …

Posted: December 19, 2017 in Random Musings

So another year turns and Star Wars has once again arrived. It seems only right that I should dust off the blog and once again do battle with some critical assessment of all things a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

I think it’s fair to say that ‘The Last Jedi’ has turned out to be a bit Marmite, with critics and half the audience loving it, while the other fifty percent range from disappointment to the sort of outrage normally reserved for insults toward ones lineage.

Some of it is just … weird …


Got that?


So, on that note, TO BATTLE!

Before we begin though, a brief lesson in science!

[Please ignore text in red if you’re more interested in story, plot and stuff rather than stupid arguments over physics]

A bizarre obsession with applying Actual Physics(TM) to the Star Wars universe has developed since the release of TLJ. Now, while trying to bend fictional realities around the physical laws of the real universe is something I would normally enjoy as a recreational pass time, it falls somewhat flat when it’s applied as a criticism to series of films that often has engines that go NEEEEEAAAAARRRRHHH! and weapons that go PEW PEW PEW! In the vacuum of space.


If we must do this, let’s do it!

“An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.”

In this instance, a big space ship, flying away from another big space ship. If we (wrongly in this instance) assume that they are flying through a perfect void with no other forces acting upon them other than their own thrust (accelerating) at the same speed (or with the one in the lead with marginally greater thrust) then the lead ship will stay out of reach of the pursuing ship indefinitely. They will continue to gather speed at a constant rate until they reach the light barrier and Einstein smashes them with a hammer.


If the lead ship stops thrusting (as a result of running out of fuel), then there is no longer a force acting upon it. It would maintain the velocity it had reached at the point at which the thrust was cut off (again, wrongly assuming no other forces were acting upon it). If the ship behind continued to thrust (still accelerating) however it would continue to gather velocity, catching up with and eventually overtaking the lead vessel which now has no force acting upon it.


This is all moot however, since when Snoke’s ship is chasing down the last resistance ship, the planet Crait is right there and, unpowered, a ship would be drawn into its gravity well (gravity being a force) allowing the pursuing fleet to catch up with it even faster!

Glad we got that cleared up!

Remember though : fictional universe, NEEEEEEEAAAAAARHHHHH! PEW PEW PEW!

It doesn’t matter.

And since we’re obsessing over Newtonian physics :

“Bombs don’t fall downwards in space!”

Very true, unless they are acted upon by a force that would put them in motion. In the case of the bomber in question, right before the aforementioned bombs drop, we witness Rose’s sister (to whom I apologise for forgetting her name) fall very fast and hard to the bottom of the bay, perfectly demonstrating that gravity is at least Earth normal inside the ship, all the way down (presumably all the way to the atmosphere field). Which means that when the bombs were “dropped” they would be acted upon by gravity right up to the point they hit space at which point they would continue their direction of flight until interrupted by … say … a Dreadnought.

On the subject of bombs though, let us not forget this :


Bombs in space have not previously been a problem …

If we’re going to continue this sudden obsession with physics, then an asteroid of that mass in Empire would have had negligible gravity … perversely, probably about the same as something with the mass of the Dreadnought …


Right, as you were, back in black!

I enjoyed ‘The Last Jedi’. I’m pretty sure I enjoyed it more than I enjoyed ‘Force Awakens’ but maybe not as much as ‘Rogue One’. I can understand why some people were disappointed though, particularly if they went in expecting galaxy-altering revelations or an epic Skywalker showdown. I see Snoke’s origins mentioned a lot, as well as Rey’s parentage and the mission to Canto Bight.

I have criticisms of my own : the shocking waste of Phasma as a character (along with my forlorn hope for a patch to the weak link in the ‘Force Awakens’ story) and timings of the story (hopefully a second viewing will resolve that.). The look of the General Organa ‘floating’ scene …

But for me, at least, the story it told and the themes it explored were excellent.

I didn’t need to know Snoke’s origins. Sure, I’d be interested, but the story doesn’t suffer for its absence. The first time I watched the original trilogy all I had on the Emperor was that that he was the Emperor and that he was the villain.

And that was enough.

When that text crawled up the screen for the first time I was happy to know that there was an Empire, that it had an Emperor and that they were the baddies. A lot has been filled in the years since then. Maybe that’s part of them problem? Have we become so used to knowing everything that the moment something is left untold it instantly becomes a major issue?

Who can say.

So I can appreciate that this is a new story, and I accept that there is a First Order and that Snoke is (was?) their Supreme Leader. Sure, he has a story, it’s probably a really interesting story, but the lack of it isn’t going to impact my experience. I imagine it will get told in the years to come, much like that of Palpatine.

Beyond this, the film (again, for me) massively explored and extended the themes touched upon in ‘Force Awakens’.

The old making way for the new, the passing of the tourch from one generation to the next. Old characters taking up mentor roles for the new heroes.

The other themes that seemed heavily woven into the fabrics of all three (four if you count Kylo) stories are those of growth and humility of heroism. The latter is a quality that I find very appealing in a story, but did not expect to find in Star Wars.

It was a pleasant surprise.

And that is what I love about the idea that Rey’s parents were nobody. Less than nobody. The idea that the hero doesn’t have to come from a storied line of heroes or of noble birth, or the loins of some other epic character that harks from some halcyon age. I’m still not entirely convinced that Ren wasn’t just lying to her in an attempt to get her on side, but I genuinely hope he was honest.

He seems an honest sort.

“Anybody can be a hero” is, for me, one of the most pervasive themes of the ‘The Last Jedi’.

Rey begins her journey looking back, obsessed with her origins, the legend of Skywalker, the Jedi, but by the end has stepped out of that shadow and come to look forward. The truth has, figuratively, set her free.

Just not quite in the way that Kylo intended.


I only wanted somebody to help me get this sellotape off my face.

Kylo Ren’s journey is much more familiar. That of the uncertain apprentice surpassing the master (In traditional Star Wars villain style … should have seen that coming) and shedding some of his uncertainty in the process. He is by far one of the best characters of the new series and is (as a wise associate put it) everything Anakin Skywalker should have been in the prequel trilogy.

An unstable and uncertain sociopath, rather than a sulky teenager with a skinned knee.

There have been a fair few comments questioning how it could be that Snoke, apparently a powerful Force user, could not sense exactly what it was that Ren intended when he pretty smartly and fatally duped him. My reply would have to be : Firstly, Snoke seriously underestimated Ren, particularly when he had already stoked his ire against him, and secondly, the ploy with the paired lightsabers was extremely cunning.

Let us not forget that the Emperor somehow failed to sense that Vader, who was stood right next to him, was about to pick him up and throw him in a hole …


Always paying for their lack of vision …

I do hope that Kylo checked the top half was dead though … let us not forget that even a Sith apprentice can survive being chopped in half, dropped down a hole and shipped to a junk planet as long as he is just … angry enough … or some other equally wank explanation …



I have said in the past that, oddly, the aspect and characters of the Star Wars universe that I have the least interest in is the Force and its users. I am happy to accept that this is a personal oddity, but it does extend into other fandoms as well. I rarely have much interest for characters with extraordinary powers among a cast of normal people.

I am more interested in ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances than wars of gods and demons. It is too easy for those powers and attributes to become and define the characters.

In this, I found Finn and Poe’s stories to be immensely satisfying.

Finn, throughout TFA and into the early stages of TLJ is a reluctant hero, happy to be lead. When push comes to shove, he is a runner, only digging his heels in at the last when something he truly cares for is under threat. By the end of his journey with Rose, he has reversed that trend and is prepared to sacrifice himself for what he now believes to be a greater cause.

The journey to Canto Bight is a part of that, showing him that war is more than just two sides fighting, that there are is perhaps a greater evil in those that feed the beast as well as the faces of those crushed beneath its heel.

It is also another object demonstration of heroism from humble origins.

The subtlety of the broom Force-pull made me smile.

And ultimately, let us not forget that mission was an abject failure in every way.

Thanks Poe!

Poe, hero of the hour of TFA, gets thoroughly schooled on the price of personal heroics. The lesson driven home again and again being ‘The Resistance is larger than just one person.’

It takes insubordination, demotion, mutiny, failure and sacrifice (a fucking spectacular-looking sacrifice! TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY TO DIE!) for him to learn that truth.

You can’t always lead with your heart.

I have seen a few mentions that Vice-Admiral Holdo should just have explained herself to him and the whole thing could have been avoided. But really? Why should a Vice Admiral, a decorated war hero no less, explain herself or indeed anything, to an insubordinate Captain who has just been demoted for getting the bomber fleet killed in the name of personal glory?

He assumed he knew better.



Suck it up Poe!

Finally, there’s Skywalker.

This isn’t his story.

But then, in the theme of the previous film, it was never going to be his story.

His story has been told. The tourch is being passed.

It has been passed.

It’s time for new stories now.

Or even old stories told in new ways.

Would an epic lightsaber blowout have been cool?


Personally, I thought his end was glorious. He was an old man. An old man who, in a moment, feared that he had become Obi-wan. That he was training a new Vader, and doubted. And in that moment he did become Obi-wan and realised his own fears. And then, having made that mistake, he followed the age old Jedi tradition of running away to hide in obscurity, going so far as to cut himself off from the Force.

In spite of that, he still managed to summon the strength to project himself across the galaxy.

That’s some potent shit.

No wonder it was fatal.

That entire closing scene was, for me, magnificent. The use of colour in the battle of Crait, the red/white contrast was awesome while still being a clear echo of the battle of Hoth. The absolute failure of the speeder attack in the face of overwhelming odds. The loss and the breaking down of the Resistance.

The arrival of Luke as all seems lost, once again giving us A New Hope …


We will always have Tatooine.

And …

“Nothing truly dies as long as it is remembered.”



Me too Yoda, me too.

Firstly, HI BLOG, you dusty, old bastard.

It’s been awhile. It also felt like a good idea to step away from epic political ranting after last time, since that’s not what this place was designed for. The cave is for shenanigans and hobby randomness.

With that in mind, it seems I am obliged to put letters into order on a page that reflect positively on ‘Game of Thrones’. Fortunately it’s pretty rare that something is entirely without redeeming features, so it might not be as difficult as previously suspected. On the other hand, it’s also going to be fairly difficult to avoid the natural segues into its many failings. And they are many, as I have previously written, for exam …

See! See how easy it is?!


Let us begin!

I believe the greatest thing that ‘Game of Thrones’ has done is to be successful in the TV fantasy genre. I cannot and will not deny it its success. That it has dragged a much maligned genre of television kicking and screaming into the limelight of mainstream success is something to be lauded. It has opened the door for others to follow and, perhaps, be just as successful. And that is something I would like to see. It’s not as if the fantasy literature lacks for sweeping epics that could be translated amazingly to the screen under the right direction.

Hopefully, the success of ‘Game of Thrones’ will enable that.

In some ways it may already have done so, since we will soon be looking at the Netflix adaptation of ‘The Witcher’. Here’s hoping that they get it right!


Geralt Approves!

‘Game of Thrones’ also looks fantastic. I only watched up to the end of season four (I think …) and everything from the location shooting to the sets to the costume design looks fucking amazing.

King’s Landing looks and feels like a living, fantasy-medieval city. They all do, and though as a series it tended to steer clear of large scale battles (budgets can only be stretched so far I guess) the combat, when it occurred, was solid and visceral. It often felt like brawling with swords rather than the aesthetically pleasing but wholly unrealistic combat-dancing that happens in so many other shows and movies.

Not to mention …


A women! In fantasy-medieval! Wearing ACTUAL FUCKING ARMOUR!

Lets not get too carried away, but Brienne of Tarth is doing it right when it comes to women in a fantasy setting. I’ve said it before, but it’s worth repeating : NERDS! ARMOUR DOESN’T NEED BOOBS! And if any of you whining shit-bags utters “Well, the armour needs boobs and to be more revealing otherwise she doesn’t look very feminine!” (Actual quote by the way, presumably from a nerd hunched over his keyboard frenziedly wanking over a ‘women warrior’ google search).

Here’s the thing losers, when you’re running into a mob of frenzied, axe-wielding sociopaths intent on bloodshed and rapine, you’re first thought isn’t ‘I wonder if my armour shows off my hips?’ it’s ‘I really hope my armour stops these guys from skewering me and eating my liver.’

If you disagree, I hope Brienne of Tarth shows up and smashes you in the groin with a mace. It will serve you right for not wearing sculpted dick armour.


Armour … that looks exactly like … a thingy!

Ok, what else …

Err, I like the music.

And the dragons.

In fact, really, as far as production value goes, it’s all pretty smooth in that regard.

Oh … yeah, and I also really like it when it ends.

Yeah. Closing on a cheap shot!

Alternative Slacks

Posted: January 31, 2017 in Uncommonly Serious Shit


Sadly, this is going to be another one of the egregious serious posts.

Not because I think it will do an iota of good, but in the vague hope that once I empty it out onto a page it will stop buzzing around my skull and let me got on with something else. We are, after all, just screaming into the void here.

In short : What the fuck do you think you’re doing?

I watched 2016 with a sense of vague bemusement as the referendum came and went with all of its associated bleating. I have even passed comment on it once or twice. I think we have made a mistake, a mistake born out of ignorance, bigotry or dissatisfaction, but a mistake I’m prepared to see out to the end.

I also think that the American people made a mistake with their choice of President (which is not to say that I am necessarily Pro-Hilary, those things are not mutually exclusive). That mistake has been all over the world in the past week.

And, y’know, if I was a terrorist I would be laughing my arse off.

What blows my mind more is the fact that there are people standing by this nonsense as if it’s fucking nectar. They’re chugging it down and then trying to tell us it tastes of strawberries and fucking unicorn dreams!

Hell’s teeth! Really?

By now, there might be a bunch of people already typing “LOL! Triggered!” or “Awww! Snowflake alert!” or some equally intellectual reply.

Here’s the thing : you fucking cowards.

What the actual fuck do you think you’re doing? Exactly what is being achieved? That you’re somehow “Keeping us safe”? Safe from what? Terrorists? Bad guys? Brown people? Johnny fucking foreigner? The hated other?


Is it wizards? Are you keeping us safe from evil snake wizards?

Here, I’ll spell it out, real simple like, as if I were using crayons :

One of the California shooters was an America-born citizen of immigrant descent. He was a born citizen. His wife was a lawful immigrant. The present measures would have done nothing to prevent what happened. Not a single damn thing.

The Florida shooter was an America-born citizen of immigrant descent. He was born a citizen. The present measures would have done nothing to prevent what happened. Not a single damn thing.

The Boston bombers were Chechen. They claimed asylum eleven years before the incident took place and became naturalised citizens two years before the incident took place. Which is still irrelevant because the current measures would not have stopped them from travelling and they were radicalised after their arrival. You guessed it … It would have done nothing to prevent what happened. Not a single damn thing.

This is usually the point at which the shrieking starts about being a traitor, terrorist sympathiser, guilty of treason or whatever.

Let’s get one thing straight : Terrorists are fucking dicks. Total pieces of shit. I don’t give one gram of fuck what their ideology or motivation is. They are all, collectively, a shower of bastards.

They should do one.

All of them.


I suggest this as a suitable location for them to do one to …


Screeching in idiot fury about how this is all the work of devil Muslims is, when subject to even a modicum of rational thought, card-carrying bullshit.

Yes, some terrorists are Muslims.


Not all. If you can’t wrap your skull around that concept then you need to step back and sort your shit out.

There are approximately 2.6 million Muslims in the UK alone. Which sounds like a lot, but is actually only about 5% of the population. 2.6 million. That’s still greater than the total population of some counties. The idea that there are 2.6 million enemies of freedom bent on the destruction of the west living in the country right now is beyond absurd into the realms of the insane. If the ideology itself actively promoted violence then there would be hell on literally every single day.

Most of those guys (like everybody else) just want to get the fuck on with their lives.

But, like all strata of humanity, among that number you will find assholes.

Assholes are everywhere.

Assholery transcends faith and nationality and sexuality.

The next moronic screech tends to demand that ‘they’ do something about it.

Really? Like what exactly? Publicly condemn the acts of assholes? Because … that happens quite a lot. Only what tends to happen is that as soon as that condemnation occurs, everybody conveniently looks the other way so that they can maintain their air of ignorant superiority. Either that or they smugly declare that ‘they’ obviously don’t mean it because ‘they’ are the hated other.


I just spent part of the morning reading comments regarding the Canadian shooter and how it obviously wasn’t the right-wing white dude because a Muslim was also arrested. And we all know that there is no such thing as a white terrorist, so it must be the Muslim and this is all just a cover-up by the political correctness police.



Definitely not a terrorist.

Claiming that Islam itself actively promotes terrorism is an absurd notion. People will find their excuse to act like shit and frequently that excuse is religion. Am I denying that there are a load of Muslim terror groups?

Fuck no, you lunatic.

What I’m saying is that you can take any given religious text, fever dream or political pursuit and twist it into what you want it to be. And call it ‘interpretation’. It’s tremendously convenient to be able to interpret a text of faith in a way that allows you to act like a piece of shit and dictate to others how they should live their lives.

Some shitheads choose to use that holy book free-pass to be assholes and blow shit up and kill people. Others are more insidious.

Neither of them seem to be able to recognise irony.

Which brings me back to my original point.

You fucking cowards!

You sit there and draw circles around groups of people and declare them the hated other, and that measures must be taken to protect us all from the devilry. The law, society, indeed the very freedoms that are the foundation of our society need to be uprooted and reworked in order to save us from these evils!

Just whatever you do, don’t look at the number of actual deaths caused by Islamic terrorism in the west versus the number of deaths caused by, say, poorly controlled firearms. Or drink driving. Or heart disease. Or indeed, just about anything else.

Does the danger exist?

Fuck yes!

Look around you, terrorists  do some terrible shit!

Should you build a wall around yourself, clutching a gun and pissing into your shoes in fear that the terrorists are coming?

Fuck no!

I’ll say it again : You. Cowards.

You, who would turn your back on people in need out of fear, and dare to call it patriotism.

You damned, fucking cowards.

There was a fairly wretched meme doing the rounds about poisoned Skittles (delightfully comparing human lives to candy) asking if you would eat from a bowl of thousands if you knew that one was poisoned.

Yes. Yes I fucking would, because I am neither wretched, nor spineless. I will kneel to offer another my hand, because apparently that isn’t simple humanity in this day and age, that requires courage.


Fuck this guy, he’s not a terrorist (white dude!) but he’ll only spend the money on booze.

So sure, laugh, throw insults, mock the simple act of having an ounce of humanity. Go ahead. Build your walls and tear up your society as you quake at the phantom of terrorism. Charity begins at home after all, though let’s be honest, what you actually mean is “Charity begins at home as long as I personally don’t have to do anything or change my lifestyle.”

Burn it all.

Because then the terrorists, who want nothing more than what you are doing, will have won.

You will have done their job for them.

So, if you see a bunch of suspiciously buttockless guys carrying tubs of popcorn then you should arrest them.

They’re terrorists.